Hudy VI

Chapter VI - Hudy outwitted - equestrian exploits

As our hero approached manhood, a strong inclination for travel and adventure began to exhibit itself; and Jack Roe McGuigan, acting upon his accustomed liberal and philosophic views, did not consider it prudent to deny his son the advantages resulting from a practical knowledge of the busy world; besides, as a travelling tutor was an unnecessary appendage, he could not refuse on the grounds of expense. No man - not even Pope, who so happily puts the sentiment - better understood that:

The proper study of mankind is man.

Therefore did he without unreasonable restraint permit his son at an early age to open the leaves of that ponderous and puzzling volume - the only one indeed he ever deigned to consult. Jack Roe held the very sentiment which Sir Walter Scott on his romancing hobby attributes to "The Great Lord Douglas", who is made to thank God most fervently that none of his sons, except his "boy bishop", could write a line; but in this instance, as in many others, "The McGuigan" had the advantage of "The Douglas", as the Irish Chieftain had not the misfortune of one melancholy exception to urge: none of his sons had ever deigned to learn the ignoble art of either reading or writing. And this was wise: for thus had they in their one important study the vast advantage of concentrated attention, undistracted by the great variety of subjects which gives to the ill-directed students of the present day a superficial acquaintance with many branches of science and literature, without a sound or extensive knowledge of any. Now it must be evident to the humblest capacity or the most casual observer that such a loose course of instruction can never make a Bacon, a Locke, a Newton, or - a Hudy McGuigan!

The whole tenour of our hero's life affords such ample scope for pleasing reflection that his biographer is tempted on every step to break through the regular chain of action and indulge his admiration, at the expense of all those laws by which, in fair consistency, historians are bound. This apology, he feels, is called for; and he promises to avoid repeating the error, on the conditions stipulated by the Clift himself when, on a late occasion, he was advised to steer clear of splores:

"In thrath I'll obsarve your good advice if I can, do you mind."

So, to return to the narrative - Ere time, in his circling course, had conferred his majority on the heir de facto of the McGuigan honors, the Quarterclift on his tour of improvement had visited every fair hill in the county - had noted and carried away the manners and customs of each place - had signalized his powers at all their games and exercises, and had gained a name as a gymnic beyond all other names. He was set down as an universal genius. Perhaps no character in history resembles him so closely as "The admirable Crichton", who tried his hand at every thing, and excelled in all.

Such, even more truly, was the Clift. Knowledge came to him by intuition. The mysteries of the horse-jockey and the cattle-drover, which from other men demand years of close experience to acquire, were at his early age subjects as familiar as his finger ends; and oft when an old hook thought he had met a gull in the smooth-chin, ruddy-cheek and devil-may-care rollicking look and manner of the young chap, he would find to his cost that he had unwarily pounced upon a hawk.

Yet talent cannot always cope with experience: on a certain occasion Mrs McGuigan sent her son to Moneymore fair, to dispose of a dry cow and purchase a milker or springer in her place; the circumstance in itself is trivial, but as it led to the development of abilities till then dormant, and afforded for ever after a field for the exercise of stupendous powers, its introduction here may be held neither irrelevant nor misplaced. Arrived at the fair, it was not long till our hero disposed of the old cow, quite to his satisfaction; and very shortly after his keen eye selected another that in frame, show of milk, and indeed every critical test (point may be the professional term), answered his wishes. Ever an intense admirer of "The beautiful", he resolved to make a bargain:

"Who sells hawky?" said Hudy, advancing to the man in whose charge the animal stood.

"It's me then sir," replied an old withered sheepish-looking fellow, with little costly clothing on his back, and that as carelessly worn and as ill-fitting as if thrown on with a pitchfork.

"What age, my old chap?"

"Faix then, I'll warrant you I'm near seventy."

"Baugh! - bad luck to you for an ould bodach, it's the cow's age I want to know."

"Augh wirra! see that now! In thrath, acushla, I think I'm grown stupid. The cow's age - faix I can't tell jist - but don't you know by the horn?"

"Aye, if it isn't scraped, do you mind."

"Augh, the divil a scrape nor scrape on't, acushla"

"She's young enough - six year ould. Does she milk well and kindly?"

"In thrath I'll be bound there's not a flusher cow in the fair hill, big or little, this day - she would give twenty quarts of froathing milk at a time, for weeks afther calving."

"Capityal, by the powers! - does she look for a hire?"

"Augh, sure you know it's by the mouth the cow gives the milk."

"Bad luck to the thruer word ivir was said. Is she a break-ditch or ill deedy?"

"Divil a ayther - she's as paceable a brute as ivir nipt a daisy - she wouldn't wag a horn at an infant, from June to Janewary!"

"By my sowl she's a beauty! - nate head - lively eye - small neck and horn - long tail - wide in the hurdies - milk veins like sally rods; and you might turn your hummock in the opening of her showldher blades - divil fetch the betther marks for milk. What's the price?"

"You'll be giving seven guineas for her."

"Augh, innocence! do you see any green about my eyes? - hould your hand - there's five guineas, take it or lave it - bad luck to the second bid ivir man got from me, or ivir will."

"I'll tell you what I'll do -"

"Hould your wheesht - the money or the cow!"

"Well, she's yours, and I wish ye luck."

The bargain was struck - the money paid - the cow brought home; and in one hour after, Hudy found out that he was fairly diddled. The animal was indeed all the old man had said; but in his stupid simplicity, or perhaps a hankering after the "suppressio veri", he had neglected to mention that she would not permit a stranger to milk her. Crowing no little at his successful purchase, the Clift, with laudable curiosity, accompanied his mother on the first trial of hawky. The old lady sat down, pail in hand; but she no sooner attempted catching a teat than slap! - a wicked blow from the cow's hind leg left her sprawling in the grip or sink.

"Mile murdher, Hudy, ye omadhon! is that yer bargain?"

"Bloody bad luck to ye for a wicked brute! By the powers the sleekit ould scoundhrel has done me to my face! Well blue blazes to the wrinkled rogue! - blood-an'-oundhers! five guineas lost! Whew! bad scran to my stupid skull!!"

Every usual art was tried to conquer the cow's bad habit: holding up her fore leg; bracing her tightly round the middle with a rope; flattering her with a hire; soothing her with an Irish song; - but all to no purpose - Mrs McGuigan was again left sprawling in the nast; and Hudy bounced, roaring wild, as mad as buck or bear!

"Bad luck to me, sowl and body, but I'll tame you, my lady!"

Out of the byre he darted, and in two minutes returned perfectly naked - his arm brandishing Black Bess, his eyes like a pair of meteors flashing their usual unearthly fire, and his bare heels armed with a pair of spurs.

"Turn out the baste here, mother!"

The thing was done; and scarcely had the poor animal cleared the door when, to the astonishment of some congregated neighbours (whose curiosity had led them to inspect the Clift's bargain), with one bold bound he sprung upon her back, his face to the tail - dash went the spurs! - smack, right and left, came Black Bess! - "a beastly bellow" from the infuriated cow, and forward went the couple - she knew not, he cared not, whither.

The dismay of Mrs McGuigan was extreme: she was struck dumb; but a few moments, and she found tongue to exclaim -

"O Chierna Dea! Hudy a vic ma vourneen, are ye gone mad?"

She was aware that on horseback he could do anything - but thus mounted? - she was bewildered; she knew not what to make of him. She saw him not only keeping his seat, but coolly directing the course of the enraged and affrighted quadruped by means of the stick, the spurs, and the tail; and as he said himself, "the divil a surer ruddher ivir man tuk in his hands"; so he spurred and twisted and turned her as he pleased, and round and about the homestead he drove her, amidst the shouts and the cheers of a crowd that soon assembled to witness the novel spectacle. But the mother dreaded that injury might befall her son, and she entreated him to desist.

"Come down acushla, an' don't break your mother's heart."

"Bi do hocht, mother darlin' - I promised to tame her, and by my sowl I'll keep my word."

And dash around the premises once more! On again passing his mother, she roared out -

"Come down Hudy, ye vagabone! - you'll break your neck."

"Divil a foot! - Divil a fear's, mother darlin'!!"

And away and away on his orbital course. Mrs McGuigan was stung with her son's palpable disobedience: she was naturally kind; but thwart her and you might as safely cross the path of an enraged wild-cat. Just in such glorious mood was she then; and casting a fiery and indignant glance at the rapidly receding Clift, she exclaimed with deep emotion,

"Won't ye, by my sowl, ma bouchal? Well bad luck to me but you shall; so we're both sworn, and divil speed the liars, acushla!"

Thus having said, she darted into the house, and immediately returned armed with an oaken churn-staff, which was surmounted by a heavy plunge of the same material. Placing herself in the cow's path, she boldly resolved to dispute her further progress. The poor beast soon hove in view, bellowing most furiously; with Hudy spurring - the crowd cheering - and Mrs McGuigan

One foot put forward, in position strong,
Her heavy mace high poised, and backward thrown

calmly waiting the terrible onset. What a scene for the pencil of a McManus! - but right onward came the maddened animal, crushing everything in her course. The crowd, alarmed for the safety of the old lady, urgently advised an immediate retreat; but the fearless matron, contemning such pusillanimous counsel, resolutely kept her ground. The nervous alarm of the spectators was intense - the belligerents seemed almost in contact: loud screams from the women, deep groans from the men, announced insufferable excitement; but in the very acme of terror Mrs McGuigan bounced to one side - whack! a heavy blow between Hawky's horns, and down she came with a hoarse dead roar, ploughing on her head and knees - pitching Hudy, with a rapid summersault, heels over head, an Irish perch before her! The cow was stunned, the people delighted with the result.

The Clift, bewildered, and ignorant of the power that stopped his course, gathered himself up, stared around, and soon perceived his heroic mother like Minerva resting on her spear, leaning on the churnstaff, calmly surveying the prostrate proof of her own prowess. He read the entire bearings of the case at a glance: he gloried in his matchless parent!

"By the powers mother darlin', you've done your work well and dacently, I parsave! divil a nater indeed! Whew! bad luck to me but that bates Banagher, and Banagher bates - heigh-ho!"

"Hould yer wheesht ye born idiot, may be that come-down'll larn ye to take my biddin'. Put the cow in the byre this blissid moment, do ye hear?"

He did hear, and did obey; and to use his own nervous language:

"Bad scran to the child in the county but might have milked the same lady seven times a day ivir afther, do ye mind."

This page was last updated 10 Nov 2018